A Plain Account of Imperfection

I have noticed it particularly easy to dismiss much of my experience this year as either negative or non-beneficial. However, that would be to evade some responsibility for my own shortcomings and would also undermine the wonderful things that have happened.
Just last week I had a staff member confront my smug attitude towards non-completion of my studies and responsibilities. It was a natural position to take as it has been very difficult to keep up. Of course I have my excuses, but for some reason I consider it less justifiable to admit grief than to suggest the intern studies be a waste of time. In reality, they are not. If anything I have found the Bible this year to be invaluable as I have taken a much closer position to full-time ministry. So what is it? Why the cynical attitude?
It finally hit me while performing a temp job at a small retail shop in the middle of an outdoor mall. I was helping the groundskeeper take items to the dumpster and in our short ten-minute interaction discovered he was a bass guitarist who owned two tube-driven speaker cabinets and played for a band back in the 80’s. He was the burned out rambunctious type, always running into people he used to know. At one point he ran into an acquaintance from Macy’s. They exchanged hugs and as soon as she went her way he explained this woman was a Jehovah’s Witness attempting to convert him. I inquired further only to hear his explanation for life: “The way I see it, if everybody just took responsibility for their own problems and mistakes the world would be a pretty good place.” I didn’t challenge it further, nor did I explain anything pertaining to God. I just listened to him, and when our time was up we both went our different ways. His name was Steve.
His words stuck: “… take responsibility for [my] own problems and mistakes.” Perhaps it’s much less profound, but I imagine he’s right. Not owning up to my shortcomings has hurt a lot of people close to me. They are either the victim of insincerity, devalued as the result my over-commitment to important activities, or even resented for infringing on the acquirement of my needs.
So, between the activities, events, and circumstances of this year I have discovered all the more just how limited I am in my abilities as a human. It is impossible to help everyone, and a lot of the people willing to receive help are much more capable of manipulation than they are to ever receive compassion.
Personally, I cannot stand to help the person who is going to walk over me, but what does grace teach? I for one am sure my intentions have never been pure either before people or God, yet of course He knows and alas He uses them. I tend to imagine Him saying something like: “Yes, go west. Pursue your passions and ideals with conviction. And I will reveal to you the state of your heart.”
One year has almost passed since that decision to go west, and I have started to learn a couple things in that time. I have learned that a true servant’s heart inside a human is nothing short of the grace of God. I have also discovered the prospect that the work of ministry have any lasting effect on people’s lives is nothing short of a miracle. In the service of the Lord, I suppose those are good lessons to learn.

Advertisement